Talk about money it is – in a word – clumsy. Maybe that’s why we rarely do. Our finances are often given the same silent treatment as our sex lives. At least that’s the financial therapist Lindsay Bryan-Podvin he thinks
“In our society, money has been kind of the ultimate taboo,” he says. While we have started to talk more openly about sexuality or body image and food, money habits remain “the big elephant in the room” she argues.
A 2023 study by financial services firm Empower found that more than six in 10 Americans don’t talk about money. The majority (63%) avoid talking to family and friends (75%), and 46% also avoid talking about it with her husband/partner.
Bryan-Podvin’s work, a new specialty in the field of mental health, focuses on the emotional and psychological side of money. For her, the dollar is, for better or worse, inextricably linked to the general welfare.
And she wants people to start talking. If only to dispel some of those nagging questions: like “Am I spending my money right?” “Am I spared enough?” and “What are my peers doing?” Bryan-Podvin believes that these thoughts are all just tiles in a larger mosaic that represents the big question: Am I normal?
In conversation with her, we came up with 5 rules for healthy money communication and self-reflection.
1. Spending is OK
There’s an old-school idea that if you’re good with money, don’t spend it, Bryan-Podvin says.
“It’s not only not true, but it’s not sustainable,” he counters. In his view, money is meant to be spent. Saving is important, of course, but invest in hobbies or experiences that enrich your life or make you you feel connected to your community can also have an important place in a balanced budget.
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“Spending on taking care of ourselves is not only normal, but it’s important,” says Bryan-Podvin.
He doubles as a spokesperson for CashApp which has recent “It’s Money” Trends Report. showed an increase in spending on “small joys.” The platform, which allows users to send cash to each other, directly indicated a 500% increase in payments with the phrase “dolce dolce” in the last year, as well as a 349% increase in ” sweet treat”. Bryan-Podvin points to this trend as an indication that many people are using their money for self-care.
The bottom line: Don’t be afraid to spend money to take care of yourself.
2. Personalization is key
While a basic budget structure can be borrowed from traditional models, it will not work for you unless you customize it. So much budgeting advice is prescriptive, says Bryan-Podvin. By not adapting our spending plans to our current spending habits, a budget can be doomed to failure.
So if you know that a store-bought coffee is a simple pleasure more valuable to you than a new pair of shoes, let your budget reflect that.
Bryan-Podvin recommends “customization instead of trying to be really rigid,” and avoiding black-and-white thinking. “It’s about finding the space in the middle that feels safe and manageable and helping people define what that means for them,” he explains.
The bottom line: Build a budget based on yours proper spending habits, not the “ideal” spender.
3. You can give permission
Bryan-Podvin, who still sees clients, says a common thread among many of them is the habit of seeking permission around money.
Even in adulthood, people feel they have to ask “Am I allowed to do this?” or “Are you okay?”
It’s not surprising given what research shows over time we reach seven or eight years, many of our ideas about money are crystallized. This can mean never bringing money to avoid conflict because you have seen your parents fight for it or having the sometimes flawed mentality that your supply of money will always be returned because you have been endowed with money for great occasions and achievements.
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Bryan-Podvin uses these examples to explain how the specter surrounding finances in your childhood can follow you into your later years. But you shouldn’t attack, she says. You can grant permission to change the narrative.
“We’re not trying to erase it,” he says. “What we’re trying to do is extend compassion and empathy for why we did what we did and then essentially create a new conclusion or a new story that feels better.”
Basically, recognize where you are, give meaning to how you got there, and then start writing a different chapter.
The bottom line: Take permission to spend reasonably, and work to unlearn unnecessary patterns from youth
4. Debt of shame
Debt, whether from student loans or credit cards, can feel like a scarlet letter.
There is a bidirectional relationship between debt and clinical depression, Bryan-Podvin reports. The shame and feeling of “wrongness” associated with debt can begin to seep into other parts of your life such as sleep, friendships and work, he says.
Consumer debt has a particularly strong stigma. “Don’t be ashamed if you have a mortgage, but if you have consumer debt, there’s a lot of shame that you don’t have willpower, or you just can’t control yourself,” says Bryan-Podvin .
She encourages diagnosing instead of blaming. Don’t demonize the debt she advises, especially because responsible credit use is important and you don’t want to fear running up those cards. Instead, create a feasible payment plan, and don’t waste time beating yourself up about what’s already been done.
The bottom line: Don’t beat yourself up over debt. Just make a plan to pay
5. Speak honestly (and quickly)
Money may seem like a terribly unsexy part of the partnership – but it’s very important. Bryan-Podvin thinks that the biggest mistake most people make is believing that your partner, or even a friend or colleague can read your mind when it comes to money.
You might have an idea of what you’re comfortable spending, and assume the other person knows that, so when you get a request on CashApp or Venmo for more, you’re upset.
“Speak early and speak often and be well-stumbled” she advises “Many of us do not know how to talk about money, so we try to introduce it here or there and for us it could feel really bold or cheeky, but someone else could not understanding the subtleties of what we are saying.”
In romantic relationships specifically, Bryan-Podvin warns against “doorway moments” which refers to leaving a big piece of information on your way out the door. It’s not strictly literal – the practice includes whenever you say something without giving it the time, space or attention it needs.
“It’s a way we protect ourselves at the moment,” she says, but in the end it does more harm than good because the belief that talking about money is awkward or difficult becomes self-fulfilling if you don’t give respect to your partner. have a mutually beneficial conversation.
“It will be uncomfortable, but it gets easier over time,” Bryan-Podvin assures.
The bottom line: Don’t say you deleted the joint account while running out the door on the way to work.